Because life can be difficult and scary and make you feel things… like the idea that you don’t matter.
I’m going to be super raw and honest with you guys right now, which is something I have a hard time doing because I’m not the best when it comes to talking about or sharing emotions. But, I’ve never been mentally healthy. I’ve always struggled with mild depression, anxiety, stress, and just feeling like utter crap about everything— especially about myself. I don’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t struggling with depression and negativity. That’s one reason why I turned to makeup and blogging. It was a coping mechanism. A way for me to distract myself from my thoughts by playing with pretty glitter eyeshadows and buying 10 shades of nude lipsticks that are similar, but different.
When I think about it, my life is great. I come from a well off family. I’ve never had to struggle financially. I never had to worry about how I’m going to pay for the roof over my head or how I’m going to pay for college or my textbooks or a laptop so I can get my work done. Deep down I know that I’m blessed and fortunate. But depression, no matter how severe or mild, doesn’t care about any of that stuff, and has a way of making you feel like everything is wrong.
I’ve gone through my whole life feeling like I don’t matter. There are still some nights where I lie in bed, and think about how great it would be if I just didn’t exist. How my existence is futile and I have nothing to offer. Graduating college made things 100 times worse. I left behind the warm comfort of academia where I excelled and was thrust into the cold, bitter shoulder of reality. A reality that didn’t give two shits about me.
Let’s just be honest here– life is fucking hard. For everyone. And it’s 100 times harder when it feels like your mind is against you, too. But on the flip side, your brain is like a muscle and it can be trained. Change the way you think and your whole life will change too.
6 Things To Remember When You Feel Like You Don’t Matter
Feelings are fleeting
They come and go and they’re always changing. Just because you’re in a funk right now doesn’t mean you’ll never get out of it and experience some happiness and fulfillment. Cry it out. Write it out. Exercise it out. But getting those feelings out of your mind will help ease it and allow more positive thoughts to flow in.
Someone out there thinks you matter
I always hated hearing this when I felt down in the dumps because it sounds so cliche, but it’s true: someone out there thinks you matter. Even the little things you have done have mattered. Whether it’s the person you held the door open for because you saw them carrying 5 books in their arms and you wanted to make things a little easier for them. Or whether it’s the woman you sold a lipstick to that made her feel beautiful, you mattered. Whether you bought a stranger some coffee without expecting anything in return or taught your mom how to T9 text in the early 2000s, you mattered. Little things like that always matter. Even though it may seem like nothing to you, you made a difference to someone’s life and you matter.
When I was 5 I had a freak accident and a metal rod ended up going halfway through my leg. I was in Dubai visiting my aunt who didn’t have a car so my mom was carrying me to the nearby hospital when a woman saw my leg gushing blood, pulled over, and offered to give us a ride there. She didn’t have to do that considering we were strangers, and you know what they say about stranger danger, but she did; if she hadn’t, who knows what would have happened. I don’t know who she was and I would never be able to pick her out of a lineup, but she mattered. She might not even remember this considering it happened 20 years ago. But even 20 years later, every time I look down at my scar I think about the nice lady who gave me a ride to the hospital. She might not know it, but she definitely matters to me.
Happiness can always be found
My favorite quote from Harry Potter is:
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
It’s true. No matter how much your mind tries to sway you into thinking differently, there is always something to be happy about. Being grateful and writing down what you’re thankful for will always stop your negative feelings. It was 2 am and I was trying to go to bed when the same negative thoughts about how I don’t matter started seeping into my brain. Instead of letting my thoughts eat away at me, I thought about the things I need to remember when I have those feelings. That’s when I started to write this post and I’m already feeling better because I’ve been thinking about all the things I’m grateful for instead of all the things I wish I could change.
You’re the one that won
You’ve probably seen the meme saying “when you’re feeling down, remember, you’re the sperm that won.” YOU. There’s a reason YOU were the one that made it so you do matter. Maybe you don’t know why you were the one that won, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re the one that made it. There’s a reason why it wasn’t someone else; it was you.
It’s not just you
It’s called an existential crisis for a reason. Everyone goes through these feelings of whether or not we have any meaning or purpose or value or if we even matter to anyone in the grand scheme of things. You’re not alone in these feelings, but how you handle them is what matters the most. Feeling sorry for yourself and dwelling in your sorrow for too long will only make you feel worse. It’s okay that you have these thoughts, but don’t ever feel alone when you have them because you’re not. After graduating college I felt so lost in the world, and I still do. But talking to several of my friends about it and being open and honest about feeling lost, like I have no purpose in life, made me realize that so many people I know feel this way. Life is the longest thing you’re ever going to do. You’re bound to have low moments where you feel insignificant, but those low moments are just a part of life. Remember, feelings are fleeting.
It’s you, yourself, and you
At the end of the day, you’re not here for anyone else, but yourself. Like Beyonce said, “it’s me, myself, and I. That’s all I got in the end.” If you feel like you don’t matter to others, and that no one cares about your existence, screw it. You need to matter for yourself and care about yourself. Because you’re worth it. And you’re going to be spending a hell of a lot of time with yourself so you might as well learn to love you for you. Do things that make you happy and make you feel like you’re making a difference. It doesn’t have to be anything grand, but do it for you. Not for anyone else.
P.S. I’ve been wanting to do something a little different with my blog for a while now, but I’ve always been scared to because why the hell would anyone care about what I have to say? Well, I’m still nervous to talk about other topics like this, but I want to change things up a bit.
New year, new me? My goal is to make this space on the Internet more than just makeup and skincare. I want to really get to know you guys more, connect with everyone and really build our own little safe space. If you hate this idea, let ya girl know– gently :p. But, if you like this idea, let ya girl know, too!